Do you ever think about how the most private and intimate parts of your life affect everything on the outside? It’s often neglected by many people but sexual fulfillment plays such a huge component in the way we’re fulfilled in other aspects of our lives, but it’s time to be more conscious of it. Joining Terri Levine is Xanet Pailet, the bestselling author of Living an Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure. Xanet and Terri discuss the role that sexual fulfillment plays outside the bedroom: in the boardroom and beyond. Let Xanet and Terri’s conversation help you shift the way you think about sex!
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An Orgasmic Life With Xanet Pailet
Let’s take a moment to remember the distinct difference between doing business heart-to-heart and doing business the way most people do business. The way most people do business is very transactional. They hunt and they look to find another client, customer or patient. The way that Heartrepreneurs do business is we come from a place of serving and making long-term connections. When we do that, we do well in business, make more money, have more free time, and have clients that stay longer. Welcome to the show again.
I have someone with me who I consider a friend, someone that I have personally used their services and someone who has great advice whether you’re male, female, own a business or don’t own a business. In this interview, you want to pay attention. The woman that I have with me now, Xanet Pailet, is a sex and intimacy educator and coach. She’s also a bestselling author of a book that I’ve read twice. It’s incredibly valuable and everyone should read. It’s called Living an Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure. Xanet, my friend, welcome here to the show.
Thank you. I am so excited to be here and have this conversation with you.
This is an unusual conversation. A lot of our conversations are pure solid business advice. I wanted to tell the audience why I wanted to have you. I’m a successful business owner. I’ve been married for many years. I have all this wonderful stuff in my life and yet I know that if I am not fulfilled on the inside, my business has a lack on the outside. Do you agree with that statement? What do you think of that statement?
Absolutely. I believe that the idea of living an orgasmic life, it’s not your personal life, but your business as well. When we’re fulfilled sexually and emotionally and we have the intimacy either with ourselves or with a partner, then we’re able to bring that energy into our business. We manifest what we want to be able to manifest as well.A lot of people are stuck in both their sex and business lives. Click To Tweet
People want business help and they’re like, “Give me strategies and tactics and let me go and make money.” You’ve got to get the whole inner game right. Once you’re flowing and you’re feeling good, you’re happier with yourself, with a partner or whatever it may be, the inside and the outside works. Do you have a client example that you might be able to share?
A lot of my clients are business owners. People come to me and they’re stuck in their personal life, business life, sex life. I’m thinking of a particular woman in the Bay Area doing her thing as a techie but wanted something else different in her life. When she was able to start to open up her sexuality and that energy, I believe that our sexual center is the center of our creativity and our power. That power emanates in all different aspects. When she was able to start to unblock what was blocking her and feel more confident in her body, she had the confidence to be able to decide what she wanted to do, which was to start her own business. She did. That’s one of many different examples that I see constantly. People come to me initially sometimes because they want to work on their sexuality. At the end of the day, it ends up transforming their entire life, especially their business life.
I probably haven’t shared this. It becomes interesting. I was president of a national healthcare company for years. I wasn’t happy. I was there and making a lot of money. I hired a life coach many years ago because I thought, “I could have better success in my personal life. Business was successful.” As a result of hiring a life coach, I realized I wasn’t happy in my business career. I ended up quitting that and now doing this career for many years. It was a life-changing event coming in a way where I didn’t go to hire a career coach, a business coach. I’m like, “I’m successful here.” When I felt what I desired, I could see the gaps. Is that what you’re talking about?
Yes, and women especially are very intuitive. My business has taken me a while, but to run my business from the feminine side of more intuition. When we’re blocked in our self-connection and our sexuality, we’re not able to feel into that intuitive place inside of us. Once that opens up, you can start to connect more. As you said, you all of a sudden realized like, “There’s something else that I want to be able to do because I’m feeling more of myself.” That’s another huge benefit of being able to feel connected to yourself and feel comfortable with your sexuality and being able to contact that intuition again. That lives in the belly, in the area where your second chakra is, where your emotional center is, where the woman’s pelvic bowl is. That’s where so much of our wisdom and all of our intuition lies.
It’s phenomenal that you talk about healing yourself. In what regards do you use the word ‘heal’? Many people use it differently.
My healing journey was working through being in a sexless marriage for over two decades and then working on healing my issues around sexuality. I feel like my true belief is that we have everything we need inside of ourselves to heal ourselves, whether it’s disease, because the disease is dis-ease or whether there are emotional issues or traumas that we’re dealing with. It’s not to say that therapists and coaches aren’t incredibly helpful. They are. We have everything that we need for us to feel whole ourselves. A lot of people are always grasping here, “If I do this, I’m going to feel like I’m a whole person. If I meet this person, I’m going to feel like I’m a whole person.” Truly, that comes from inside of ourselves and once we feel that, everything opens up for us. Once we can be in that place of, “I am who I am and I am enough exactly as I am. I have everything I need in my life and every tool that I need inside of my body to help heal myself,” or however you define that, your life will drastically transform.
I find that to be so true. I always remark at when you get a paper cut, you watch it. Your body figures out how to fix it, how to heal it. I’m always in awe of the human body, whether how we can be mentally strong, how we can overcome whatever’s in front of us, whatever obstacles there are. My coaches like you, my consultants and strategists, they’re very important to me. However, it’s important that I understand myself, that I wake up to who am I and who do I want to be? I do find that in business, when someone has more fully accepted themselves healed in whatever’s going on in their lives and feels happier and more comfortable with who they are, they do better in business.
That’s been my experience as well. Personally, when I was able to get through all of my trauma and do all of my healing, that’s when I was able to say, “This is the business. I’m going to stop being a lawyer and all this other stuff. I’m going to be a sex and intimacy educator and coach.” It made sense to me because we’re more confident. We’re clearer. We’re able to take action and feel like somebody’s got my back. We’ve also had the felt experience of what is it like to feel like you don’t need all of these other, perhaps crutches in your life. What’s that felt experience of like, “I woke up and I feel great. I know that I can take care of myself and I can get my business needs met. I can start this new program,” or whatever it is that you’re doing. It makes 100% sense to me.
I can take two people. One that’s not so skilled in business marketing sales, super confident about the result they deliver. I can take someone else who’s not that confident about themselves. The result they deliver with the same skillset, there’s a world of difference because inside there’s the stuff that’s going on that they haven’t even addressed. Do people come to you like, “I’m ready to address this?” How do people come to you?
Having done this for almost a decade now is I have two types of clients. I have typically women who will come to me who are a little bit on a spiritual path. I hear this all the time. “I’ve worked on myself. I’ve done my personal development growth. Maybe I’ve worked through some of my traumas.” Sex is the last frontier because it’s so scary and overwhelming for people. There’s so much charge to it. Usually, they’re often on a spiritual path. The other way people come to me is as couples. Regardless where they are on their spiritual journey, “Our relationship is falling apart. We haven’t had sex in decades, sometimes years. We still love each other. We still have a good connection and we want to be able to heal this part of our relationship.” Those are the two typical paths that I see most of my clients are coming from. It’s often with some spiritual development, not always. Like attracts like. People see about me, they read about me. They get a sense of like, “This is where she’s coming from. I can relate to that.”We have everything we need to heal already inside of ourselves. Click To Tweet
People are willing to talk about so many things. They talk about things that happened in their childhood and their relations with everything. People act as if in my experience that they’re this happy go lucky couple. You make an assumption that they’re having the best sex ever. As I’ve come to know you and meet some of the other people that you work with, I’m like, “It’s not like everyone is going home and having three amazing orgasms.” Why don’t we hide and act as if everything is fine when perhaps it isn’t?
It’s that what I call in my book the nastiest five letter word in the universe. It’s that word ‘shame’. From the very beginning of Adam and Eve, if we go back to biblical times, there was shame around sexuality. That’s very much a social condition, especially here in the United States where we started in a very puritanical disposition. That has stayed with us for centuries. People feel uncomfortable talking about sex because of all the socialization and conditioning we’ve had. It’s dirty and it’s bad. People are uncomfortable touching their bodies or talking about body parts. It’s all related to that word ‘shame’. There’s a lot of work that I will often do with a client, especially in the beginning starting to work through that shame. The way you do that is like what we’re doing, normalizing it. Being able to have a conversation about it, talking about a shameful experience with my couples. I don’t think I did this because we often have shameovers or shamathon.
What is that?
It’s amazing. Each partner shares some of the most shameful experiences that they’ve ever had. It’s very powerful because first of all, they’ve never even shared that even with their partner. Often what happens when you start sharing, I’ll hear somebody say, “A similar thing happened to me.” That’s the thing about shame. We all experience shame. There’s not a person on this earth who doesn’t. When we can start to talk about it, then it normalizes it and then it’s like, “You had that. That happened to me. Okay, great. I’m not alone in this anymore.” That’s how partners feel. That’s been one of the best exercises to create even more connection and intimacy, especially when it’s a partnership where there’s some more tension.
I can think of an incident and I have it in the back of my mind. Every once in a while, it shows up and then I push it away. I’ve never talked about it with anyone. I’m sure that’s a piece of what’s inside of me too. I’ll say it again, every single person should read this book, Living an Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure. I’ve read it twice. It’s highlighted. It’s got great information. What took you to write this book? Why write a book?
I had to write this book. I didn’t have a choice. This book almost wrote itself. That’s honestly what happened the very first time. It took me about four years to write the book in part because it’s interesting. I’m relatively new and I’ve been doing this for a decade, but I had a huge transition. I needed more experience. I needed more training. I needed more experience. I needed more client experiences to be able to write the book, but I sat down and wrote the outline in one afternoon way before I wrote the book. It poured out of me. A big portion of this book, as you know, traces my own life, my history, my healing of my sexuality and my personal development and growth.
I felt like it was an important story to tell because so many, especially women, are in the same situation as I am, in a sexless marriage, unhappy, not knowing what to do about it. Many people will read this book and then they’ll call me and say like, “This is my story too.” I felt like it was a service to let people know, “You do not have to be in this situation forever. You can heal yourself and you can create the intimacy and the sexuality that you want it to have in your life.” It was like, “I have to write this book.” It was inside of me. I’ve struggled writing. I know you’ve written 30 books. My publisher was like, “What’s your next book?” I’m like, “I’m struggling. I don’t know if I want to write another book, maybe.”
I again tell the audience, I recommend this. You’re so vulnerable in your book. Most authors in my experience do a lot of hiding. Even when they come forward, they’re still due to some hiding. Because of the way you wrote the book, I was able to not only see parts of myself but also see what I desired. That’s important. Where can people get the book?
I strongly also recommend that you get a look at Xanet’s website. There are lots of resources. In about two seconds, you will understand not only more about who she is and what she does but the value that you bring. Reading that book for me was very healing. There were a lot of coaching lessons in the book. It’s a great way for people to begin the conversation, open themselves up. How do they move forward? If someone either reads the book, goes to your website or reads this and goes, “I might want to reach out,” what’s the best way for them to connect with you?The way people normally relate with sex usually has to do with an internalized shame. Click To Tweet
The best way is to go to my website. There is a Contact Xanet. I offer a free 30-minute get to know me session where I’ll get to talk to you, understand what’s going on in your life and offer you a solution for what your problem is and how to move forward. That’s the best way to get in contact with me. It’s all through the website.
I will also tell you that during that consult that we had, which you’ve gifted us, which is what you’re offering, which is amazing, that was clear to me that you are the one I wanted to work with. My husband felt the same way. I can say you’re one of the coaches who do educator coaches, who do tune in and listen, which is to me the highest-level skill that you want in anyone, a coach, consultant and educator, counselor. You have this ability to hear. In all the sessions that we had with you, I always felt like you worked hard to understand us, to work with us and to help us get to where we wanted to go.
I have to say after training over 5,000 coaches and consultants worldwide, you have one of the highest levels and skillsets coming from a place of understanding the person that you’re speaking with and then helping them achieve what they come to you for. I wanted you to know that. I don’t typically tell you this much about my own intimate life. I want you to understand that when I began to work on what I wanted more internally, sexually in terms of intimacy, I started to see that change and my husband did. We both did in our relationship. I felt more fulfilled. It’s great that I’m fulfilled in business, but at the end of my life, is that what I care about, that someone stands up and goes, “She had a successful business?” No, who cares? I don’t even care about that. I care more that I’ve lived my best life and part of sex and intimacy is in that. What words do you want to leave people with or what message before they grab your book and go over to your website? What do you want to leave the people with?
I want to leave with this, “Pleasure is your birthright.”
First of all, thank you for everything that you’ve done for me and my husband, for our relationship. Thank you for coming and talking about the most vulnerable topic. Thank you for writing a book that is so transformational, so incredibly healing. Thank you also for being willing to give sessions to people so that they can explore this conversation and decide if they want to do the work with you. I appreciate you so much.
Thank you for offering this opportunity and thank you for being an amazing coach because you’re my coach as well. I’ve learned so much and continue to learn so much from you every day.
Thanks for being here. Thank you to the audience. Make sure that you subscribe to the show so you don’t miss any. The other thing that I want you to know is that we have a whole Heartrepreneur community of people who are doing business heart to heart, coming from service. We’d like to invite you to join that on Facebook. It’s a group on Facebook called #Heartrepreneurs with Terri Levine. We invite you to join us over there. Grab a free book as soon as you get in. You can make connections with other people who are like-minded coming from the heart and here to serve. Thank you again for reading. We’ll see you next time.
- Living an Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure – Amazon
- Barnes & Noble – Living an Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure
- #Heartrepreneurs with Terri Levine – Facebook Group
About Xanet Pailet
Xanet Pailet is the best selling author of Living an Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and
Awaken Your Pleasure. Xanet is a former NYC health care lawyer who lived in a sexless
marriage for over two decades. After experiencing her own sexual healing and
awakening in 2011, she transitioned her career into a full-time sex and intimacy
educator and coach and trauma practitioner.
Xanet believes that pleasure is our birthright and she is passionate about helping
individuals find their way back into their bodies, their desires, and their pleasure. Over
the past decade, she has helped rescue hundreds of couples from unsatisfying sex lives
and has helped women who are sexually shut down learn how to love themselves, their
body, and reclaim their desire.
Xanet is a certified Somatica Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker, Holistic
Pelvic Care Practitioner, Tantra Educator and Somatic Experiencing Trauma
practitioner. She is on the faculty of 1440 Multiversity, Ecstatic Living Institute and the