Valentine’s Day is approaching and you know what that means! We all start focusing on romance and intimacy. How to plan the perfect Valentine’s Date. How to make sure that we buy the most romantic Valentine’s Day gift. And let’s not forget the obligatory “Valentine’s Day Sex”.
My phone starts ringing off the hook right around this time of year since you’re forced to focus on your relationship. And not surprisingly, everyone has an issue in their sex life that they are struggling with. Mismatched desires, problems having orgasms, feeling emotionally disconnected, uncomfortable or painful sex. The list goes on and on.
I love having these conversations and helping people understand where their challenges are coming from. That’s why I wrote a best selling book, “Living an Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure”. It’s chock full of information and tips on how to create more intimacy and better sex and even chronicles my own healing journey from living in a sexless marriage for over two decades, which unfortunately is not that uncommon.
But sometimes people are surprised by my most important piece of advice. It’s not about trying a different sex position or perfecting a new skill. While that can definitely be helpful, the most important tool to change your sex life is to SLOW EVERYTHING DOWN.
Slowing down means not rushing into sex and spending time connecting with your partner as part of foreplay. It also means that everything needs to be slowed down including the pace of your touch, and the amount and type of foreplay. You might find this more difficult than it sounds since stress, technology, and maybe having your kids around 24/7 has created a frenzied pace that has unfortunately carried over into the bedroom.
Slowing down has many benefits for your sex life:
- You become more present and aware
- You feel more sensations in your body
- You create resonance with your partner, enhancing connection and intimacy
- You build erotic energy and create sexual tension
One of the biggest complaints I hear from women is that their partner is not present. This makes them feel like they are not being seen and valued, creating emotional blocks that prevent women from wanting to have sex. Slowing down makes you more present and in the moment. You will become more aware of everything, including what is happening in your body and with your partner.
When you slow down, you begin to connect with sensations in your body, which after all is where sex happens. Slow light touch, starting on the arms and legs, can be quite arousing and quickly build up desire. Most women need to feel somewhat aroused before their desire really kicks in so slowing down and taking time to touch each other can do wonders for improving your sex life. Slowing down also helps men who struggle with ejaculation issues since they can be more aware of what arousal feels like in their bodies.
Slowing down also helps you create resonance with your partner. Your bodies become like two tuning forks. When you strike a tuning fork and set it to vibrate, a second tuning fork will start vibrating and exactly match the pitch of the first tuning fork, creating resonance, where energy flows back and forth between two objects. When couples slow down, look at each other and really focus on their connection, their nervous systems and bodies start to resonate in the same way. You will start matching each other’s breathing and your movements may also begin to synchronize. This powerful form of intimacy creates the kind of emotional connection and safety that we all need to enjoy sex.
Slowing down will also give you access to more of your pleasure centers and there are many of them in your body. In the last decade, sex research has focused on the brain’s involvement in sexual arousal through neuroimaging studies. Science now validates what we’ve known all along, every one of your five senses (sight, hearing, taste, touch, smell) is a pleasure center!
Here is how it works. If your room is filled with candles and you really take in a beautiful body in front of you, your eyes stimulate your arousal network. If there are essential oils, fresh fruit, or flowers, your nose will also send signals of arousal to your brain. When you hear your favorite sexy music, your ears get stimulated and send arousal signals to your brain. When you are kissed slowly, your lips and your mouth can taste your partner, sending more arousal signals to the brain. If your arms, legs, neck, and hair are slowly and lightly touched and caressed, creating chills going down your body, even more, arousal signals are sent to your brain. When all five senses are stimulated and firing at the same time, you will experience at least five times more sensations in your body.
Slowing down has one more added benefit that is very important for having a better sex life—creating tension and increasing erotic energy. Sexual tension is what drives arousal and desire and it’s pretty challenging to build that tension if you don’t slow down. Teasing your partner is a very powerful way to build up erotic energy. We often crave what we can’t have—that’s true in life and in the bedroom. Teasing is the perfect activity during foreplay. You can tease your partner with words and touch and truly drive them wild with desire.
This is not to say that there’s anything wrong with quickies. Quickie sex can be awesome and very exciting, especially if it is spontaneous. I’m a big fan! But your body can’t just live on snacks alone. It also needs a meal to feel completely satisfied and nourished.
This Valentine’s Day, ditch the romantic dinner, the chocolates, the obligatory Valentine’s Day Sex, and spend some quality intimate time with your partner just slowing down.
Xanet Pailet is a former health care attorney turned sex and intimacy coach and best selling author of Living an Orgasmic Life. She works with women and couples to empower them around their sexuality and strengthen relationship and intimacy skills. She sees clients virtually all over the world. Connect with her at www.powerofpleasure.com. Sign up for her free 14 Day Body Awakening Adventure!