Express yourself. Get in touch with your anger. Always be honest and open about what you’re feeling and thinking. Never go to bed mad at each other. All of these things have been absorbed into the culture and has become second nature. However, when people get upset, they can’t do any of those things. They do the exact opposite. No matter how many times we try to do what the therapist says, we can’t do it and we think we’re a failure which makes it much worse.
The UnTalk Therapy is the opposite of all those traditional approaches. It is a new communication approach that integrates holistic health with the latest mind-body science. Licensed clinical social worker Phil DeLuca talks about the UnTalk Therapy and how he came up with the alternative that could deal with fixing relationship, bring people back their personal peace, and improve and fix health.
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The UnTalk Therapy: Debunking Traditional Approaches with Phil DeLuca
I have with me Phil DeLuca and he is a licensed clinical social worker. He is the developer of UnTalk Therapy. That’s what got me curious and said, “I have to have him on the show.” UnTalk Therapy is a new communication approach that integrates holistic health with the last mind-body science into an alternative to be outdated express yourself communication approaches, which increase conflict and cause ill-health. I’m fascinated by this. Phil, welcome to Heartrepreneur Radio.
Thank you for having me.
Let’s talk about the old approach. I happened to be a clinical psychologist and I am so sick of this express yourself stuff. Let’s tell people what the traditional is and then why that doesn’t work well.
In the ‘60s, they came out with a new communication approach. They threw out everything before that, which was express yourself, get in touch with your anger, repressed anger kills. Always be honest and open about what you’re feeling and thinking. No secrets. Worst of all, never go to bed mad at each other or you’re running from the problem. It’s been absorbed into the culture. It’s second nature. Built on that were these techniques. Now we’re going to have active listening, we’re going to come up with rules only to get upset. We’re not going to get on each other’s face, we’re not going to use toxic words, we’re going to use to stay on the point, etc.
They came up with all these rules. What happens is people find that when they get upset, they can’t do any of those things, they do the exact opposite. They feel very deceptive because no matter how many times we try to do this, the therapist says do this, the books say that you do this, we can’t do it. We must be bigger failures than we thought. When I got out of graduate school at ’77, I was using this express yourself communication approach with couples.
I was realizing that it was making it worse. They were coming back with more conflict. I started using it in my own relationships and it was making it worse. I started having health problems from the stress. I started researching why am I having arthritis and premature memory loss and all this other stuff. I came across one of these eureka moments. It was what happens when we have health problems. All health problems are due to inflammation. When we get upset, we’re in the fight or flight response.
The fight or flight responses is the inflammation of the body. Inflamed body, inflamed mind, inflamed words. Inflammation is the vector for disease health problems. Could it be that inflamed words are causing diseased relationships? When you start looking at the product of that, what happens when people do those things, get in touch with their anger. When you’re upset, deal with it daily before they have a chance to calm down.
What’s the product? Whenever you have this tremendous conflict, you have loss of love, caring, you have your ill-health, you have no peace, you have these resentments, and this hatred. That sounds like a diseased relationship. Maybe they’re all tied together. Maybe that’s what I needed to do was come up with an alternative that could deal with all three of those. Fixing relationship, bring people back their personal peace, and also improve and fix their health.
[Tweet “Inflammation is the vector for disease health problems. Could it be that inflamed words are causing diseased relationships?”]
That’s what I started doing over the last 30 years. I integrated the latest in holistic mind, body, health with communication and relationship issues. I came up with an alternative that works where the other ones fail. It’s easy to implement, gets quick results, and it rescues people from the dead zone. What’s the dead zone? That’s where people don’t carry much. I went through this couple where the man was dragging in a woman who didn’t want to be there.
She said, “What’s the point? He never followed through on anything.” He said, “It’s different this time. I haven’t had a drink in six months.” He went through this long list and I said to myself, “I think he got it this time.” She said, “I’m happy for you because you got it this time. In your next relationship, you’ll make a much better husband.” We got a place here where people get to a dead place.
There was no love left. Even if you fix it, it’s too late. I came up with a way to short circuit that downward spiral. I had to come up with something that was easy to grasp, science-based, quick to implement, and bring immediate results. One of the things I started realizing was people frequently coming in with conflict are maybe one or two arguments away from getting into that dead zone. I had to come up with something. When they came in my office and they left an hour and a half later, if they implemented what I gave him, no more arguments and we can rescue them. Restart your client out of the dead zone before he got to the place where it was terminal.
I’m resonating with this because everything that you said was the old school stuff. I was taught that even by my parents and the whole universe was teaching that. I loved the point you made about the inflamed body, the inflamed minds, and the inflamed words, as the cause of disease. I’ve also never heard anyone talk about coming out of this dead zone. What does UnTalk Therapy look like?
We have two parts of our brain we want to focus on. We have our cerebral cortex, front brain, thinking brain. It separates us from the lower life forms, higher learning, language skills. Music, spirituality, and love comes from that part of our brain. I call it our genius brain because it’s our creative part of our brain. We have the fight or flight response, which is scientifically called amygdala.
It’s called the crocodile brain, which is right behind our ears because we act just like the crocodiles when we go into it when we get upset. Between them is the hypothalamus, which is a switching unit that switches blood from the front of the brain to the back of the brain. Both of those brains are connected to the autonomous nervous system to 90% of our organs. Heart, liver, lungs, the whole body. Nothing gets spared.
What happens is when the body perceives a threat, the hypothalamus starts switching blood from the front of the brain to the back of the brain. Up to 75% of the blood flow switches and it gets shot off. It gets rerouted to the back brain. The back brain is like the Hulk. The front brain’s like Pee-wee Herman. You can’t use it. If you ever had an internal dialogue going on in your head, “Stay calm,” those are the two parts of the brain talking to each other and you can hear them. What happens is as the stress keeps rising, the hypothalamus keep switching blood. The front brain shuts off like a limb. You can’t move because it doesn’t have blood flow. Mentally you can’t access all the promises you made. The blood is rerouted to the back brain, which is paranoid, delusional, attitude problem, volatile, conflict seeking. It’s a survival issue.
It’s you versus me. You’re about to eat me, so I have to eat you first kind of mentality. What happens now is they have what I call crocodile brain hijacking. It takes over our brain. One person said, “When I got to this point, it was like words coming out of my mouth. I could see my life unfolding like a film in front of me, but I couldn’t stop it.” It takes over and that’s when we get bad stuff. We get loud, nasty, I call that the infection stage or the kitchen sink stage. That’s where everything gets thrown in, vomit on each other. Let’s go back to the traditional approach, which is getting in touch with your anger.
You want to get your anger out right in this mindset. What they leave out of this equation, we know that anger outbursts for two hours afterwards increases our heart attack and stroke rate 500%. Over time it increases our heart attack and stroke rate 2,000%, cancer rate 3,000%. Get your anger out and call the undertaker. Instead of express yourself, I call it regurgitation communication. That’s all you’re doing. I’m just vomiting on you and you’re vomiting back on me. We’ve got to pick up all these dominoes. Let’s go back to the express yourself approaches. Get your anger out. I’m going to tell you what I think and feel, the horrible, nasty things I have inside me. When I tell you what I feel, it’s supposed to make us better. Remember, inflamed mind, inflamed words.
We feel bad because the rules we were given, “Don’t get in their faces, be calm, make eye contact,” we don’t do those things. We feel guilty because we’ve failed. We can’t follow through on what we say. We’re doing the opposite of what we agreed upon. You add that to the mix and this approach guilts people into more conflict and won’t help. That’s what it does. It’s problems on steroids. It has such a low success rate. It has only got less than 20% success rate and that’s for the higher functioning couples.
What is it UnTalk Therapy?
I want to prevent crocodile brain hijack before you lose it. When you feel your heart pumping or whatever the signs are before you get in that mode, you want to get away before you can say anything, get calmer, then get back around it. That’s the magic bullet that will solve enormous couple problems.
[Tweet “Anger outbursts for two hours afterwards increases our heart attack and stroke rate 500%.”]
There are words that you use that makes so much sense. I heard you say crocodile brain hijack. The infection stage, the kitchen’s think stage. Traditional therapy is that, get it all out. Let’s vomit on each other and then let’s move on and feel better. I don’t think that anger out approach does. I think it is very inflammatory. It causes more conflict. I do think it causes ill-health. I love the fact that there’s someone out there doing something unique and different and taking a different approach. I think it’s a true heart-based approach. How do people connect with you if they want more information? I would love for you to be able to tell our audience how to contact you.
I have a website it’s called, LessTalkMoreLove.com. They can reach me at Phil@LessTalkMoreLove.com. I have a dead zone quiz you can take, see how they come out. I’m about to go online as a free webinar, it’ll be about an hour and explain this concept. I’ve got about 100 different PowerPoint slides that they can sign up for. Send you to their friends. It’s good for parent-child issues. Sign up, it’s a free webinar and send it to your friends. It’s a whole new way of viewing things and I’m getting incredible results from people who thought they were hopeless before. Turning it around in two or three or four sessions real quick.
Phil, it’s been a delight to have you. You’ve done such a great job of showing us what’s not working and how to change to something that is. Thank you very much for this UnTalk Therapy. Thanks for being here at Heartrepreneur Radio.
Thank you for having me.
For the listeners, make sure you do subscribe to the episodes. Otherwise you could’ve miss this episode with Phil DeLuca. This is fascinating UnTalk Therapy, I believe what we need in the world. I do have a gift for all of you, which is a brand-new webinar totally for free, very transformational. You can find that at GetHotPayingClients.com. Thank you for tuning in at Heartrepreneur Radio.